Moving....

Yay!! In about a week Matt and I will be moving into our "new" house!!! Can't wait... I enjoy everything I do with Matt, so blessed that God picked us to be together!  I should be so excited and on the outside I am!  However I am so sad! I just can't understand how adults who are supposed to be our family can be so hateful.  Why do they treat people just plain mean? I want to think I am stronger than that... but I am NOT! It kills me everytime I think of it!  I hate having to be around them and pretending to be so happy! And about the "kid thing"... she took my name??! really? So more than likely we can't have a baby (still hard to think about) BUT what if we do!?  I can't name my child after MY husband because you took his name??!
Enough negative!
Back to the house.... YAYYYY!!!!!! I can't wait to make it our own! So much fun!! Can NOT wait to invite people over and have a life here in Owensboro!

It's that time again...

Well here we are again... Now I'm finally dealing with the reality of never waking up on Christmas morning with little kids excited to see what Santa brought. It's hard but I'm coming to terms with it. It would be easier if everyone understood that just because you seem "ok" with it... I'm NOT! It's hard to imagine never seeing your parents as grandparents, your sisters as aunts and your grandparents as great grandparents. Being the oldest I always want to please everyone. I feel as though no matter how hard I try it is NEVER good enough. I fall SO short everyday!! I feel worthless. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I am almost 28 years old and I'm living with my parents and have nothing to show for my life. I will go on... I will pretend everything is perfect even though it's not. And I will pray that I can be the happy person I pretend to be.

Job!

I got a job! I got a job! I got a job.. hey hey hey hey!!! I am excited/nervous!! I got a job at BB&T and yesterday was my first day!! I really enjoyed it and everyone I work with BUT I sure do have alot to learn.  I fee like a different person, I have a job and a reason to get up and get all dressed up everyday! Happy.  Matt is working with a loan officer to see if we can make an offer on the house we want!!  Today I will be making fun fall goodies to take to the Miles Farm Party!! Tommorrow Fall Festival in Evansville with my momma!  Enjoying fall....

So much happening...

WOW!! Looking for a house is so exciting!! Just hard to know what to do.  Every house we look at I say in a joking way "we don't need much room, it's just us"... on the inside it KILLS me! Just thinking about never seeing kids running around in the yard or celebrating their birthday at our house.  So many things run through my head.  I stay strong all the time because I know other people don't want to talk about it all the time... But its all I think about!! I cry my eyes out most everyday.  When will I get over it? When will I realize it's not in the "cards" for me?  When can I start really living and get past it?  I need to. 
On a positive note we did find a house we like and hope to make an offer soon! :) I hope to start working on Monday that will surely help me get my mind off of everything else!  Time to start getting ready for hayride and bon-fire tommorrow!!

It's been awhile....

SO much has changed in our lives since I have last blogged!  We celebrated our 4th anniversary!! Matt made a huge decision to take a job in Owensboro, KY... to be a full time FARMER!!!!! We re-located to Owensboro about a month ago.  I just found a job as a teller at BB&T!  We are living with mom and dad while looking for a house of our own.  We are both getting adjusted but are exciting to see what God has in store for us!! I hope to stay more up to date with my blog now that we are getting settled!

Invisible Loss by Deb Grissett, performed by Underhill Rose

Mother's Day...

Every Mother's Day comes and goes.. and I still am not a Mother... It just breaks my heart.  I know in my heart that God has a plan for us BUT can't understand why I have to feel this way I wish this empty place in my heart would just go away.... WHY do I feel the need to be a mother IF it's not in my "plan". 
Found a wonderful song that sums up exactly how I feel... "Invisible Loss"...
Hope to have a wonderful weekend with my friends/family for DERBY!!! whoo hoo!!! Hope we can make it to Owensboro to see my momma for Mother's Day... God please take away the constant pain.. please open the doors in our life that we need to go through and close the doors that are not in our path of what Jesus has in store for us..