So much happening...

WOW!! Looking for a house is so exciting!! Just hard to know what to do.  Every house we look at I say in a joking way "we don't need much room, it's just us"... on the inside it KILLS me! Just thinking about never seeing kids running around in the yard or celebrating their birthday at our house.  So many things run through my head.  I stay strong all the time because I know other people don't want to talk about it all the time... But its all I think about!! I cry my eyes out most everyday.  When will I get over it? When will I realize it's not in the "cards" for me?  When can I start really living and get past it?  I need to. 
On a positive note we did find a house we like and hope to make an offer soon! :) I hope to start working on Monday that will surely help me get my mind off of everything else!  Time to start getting ready for hayride and bon-fire tommorrow!!

It's been awhile....

SO much has changed in our lives since I have last blogged!  We celebrated our 4th anniversary!! Matt made a huge decision to take a job in Owensboro, KY... to be a full time FARMER!!!!! We re-located to Owensboro about a month ago.  I just found a job as a teller at BB&T!  We are living with mom and dad while looking for a house of our own.  We are both getting adjusted but are exciting to see what God has in store for us!! I hope to stay more up to date with my blog now that we are getting settled!

Invisible Loss by Deb Grissett, performed by Underhill Rose

Mother's Day...

Every Mother's Day comes and goes.. and I still am not a Mother... It just breaks my heart.  I know in my heart that God has a plan for us BUT can't understand why I have to feel this way I wish this empty place in my heart would just go away.... WHY do I feel the need to be a mother IF it's not in my "plan". 
Found a wonderful song that sums up exactly how I feel... "Invisible Loss"...
Hope to have a wonderful weekend with my friends/family for DERBY!!! whoo hoo!!! Hope we can make it to Owensboro to see my momma for Mother's Day... God please take away the constant pain.. please open the doors in our life that we need to go through and close the doors that are not in our path of what Jesus has in store for us..

Very hard day...

Well I shouldn't say it was a bad "day"....Matt got to ride with me! He surprised me right before I was leaving.  I was SO excited!!! Then we stopped and got gas on the way there, Matt found a penny heads up!! He felt like it was a good sign.  We drove to Cincy, the took some blood, and we left.  We stopped to eat on the way home.  Matt and I were having a great time together.  We talked about "baby stuff" on the way home... Now looking back I wonder why I let myself get excited... They called and left us a message at 3:46 with our "bad news".  I just can't understand why? What have we done to deserve this? And why are there so many people who have them but don't even want them? Maybe it's not our "time" but I don't want to be 40 and having kids.. I want to enjoy my children.  I pray that God will open our hearts and minds to what's next for us... I pray it comes soon.. Really not sure how much more of this I can take... I feel like I leave a piece of myself with every negative test... And there isn't much left.

Today is the day!!

I am sitting here enjoying my cup of coffee & Good Morning America.... trying to keep my mind off of TODAY!!!!  I will find out if I'm a mom or not... I had a dream last night that my Doc told me I was prego with BOTH embroyos!!! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find out any of that yet but IT IS a positive thought!!!! Two hours is a long time to drive in the rain by myself.. lucky for me I'll be talking to my Jesus the whole way!!!! I know it is in his hands!! Praying....

It's a waiting game...

Still waiting... feels like forever but I know it will be worth it!!  I did do something bad today... I took a pregnancy test.. and it was negative.  Words can't really describe how much my heart is aching.  I know that a negative test doesn't mean I am not pregnant but it just worries me.  It is difficult for me to think about but I have to start to process the fact that I may never get to experience the wonderful joy of carrying a baby.
I DO believe in GOD and believe that he will give me the desires of my heart... There is nothing I have ever wanted more than this.. Please GOD let this be it!!