It's that time again...

Well here we are again... Now I'm finally dealing with the reality of never waking up on Christmas morning with little kids excited to see what Santa brought. It's hard but I'm coming to terms with it. It would be easier if everyone understood that just because you seem "ok" with it... I'm NOT! It's hard to imagine never seeing your parents as grandparents, your sisters as aunts and your grandparents as great grandparents. Being the oldest I always want to please everyone. I feel as though no matter how hard I try it is NEVER good enough. I fall SO short everyday!! I feel worthless. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I am almost 28 years old and I'm living with my parents and have nothing to show for my life. I will go on... I will pretend everything is perfect even though it's not. And I will pray that I can be the happy person I pretend to be.

Job!

I got a job! I got a job! I got a job.. hey hey hey hey!!! I am excited/nervous!! I got a job at BB&T and yesterday was my first day!! I really enjoyed it and everyone I work with BUT I sure do have alot to learn.  I fee like a different person, I have a job and a reason to get up and get all dressed up everyday! Happy.  Matt is working with a loan officer to see if we can make an offer on the house we want!!  Today I will be making fun fall goodies to take to the Miles Farm Party!! Tommorrow Fall Festival in Evansville with my momma!  Enjoying fall....

So much happening...

WOW!! Looking for a house is so exciting!! Just hard to know what to do.  Every house we look at I say in a joking way "we don't need much room, it's just us"... on the inside it KILLS me! Just thinking about never seeing kids running around in the yard or celebrating their birthday at our house.  So many things run through my head.  I stay strong all the time because I know other people don't want to talk about it all the time... But its all I think about!! I cry my eyes out most everyday.  When will I get over it? When will I realize it's not in the "cards" for me?  When can I start really living and get past it?  I need to. 
On a positive note we did find a house we like and hope to make an offer soon! :) I hope to start working on Monday that will surely help me get my mind off of everything else!  Time to start getting ready for hayride and bon-fire tommorrow!!

It's been awhile....

SO much has changed in our lives since I have last blogged!  We celebrated our 4th anniversary!! Matt made a huge decision to take a job in Owensboro, KY... to be a full time FARMER!!!!! We re-located to Owensboro about a month ago.  I just found a job as a teller at BB&T!  We are living with mom and dad while looking for a house of our own.  We are both getting adjusted but are exciting to see what God has in store for us!! I hope to stay more up to date with my blog now that we are getting settled!

Invisible Loss by Deb Grissett, performed by Underhill Rose

Mother's Day...

Every Mother's Day comes and goes.. and I still am not a Mother... It just breaks my heart.  I know in my heart that God has a plan for us BUT can't understand why I have to feel this way I wish this empty place in my heart would just go away.... WHY do I feel the need to be a mother IF it's not in my "plan". 
Found a wonderful song that sums up exactly how I feel... "Invisible Loss"...
Hope to have a wonderful weekend with my friends/family for DERBY!!! whoo hoo!!! Hope we can make it to Owensboro to see my momma for Mother's Day... God please take away the constant pain.. please open the doors in our life that we need to go through and close the doors that are not in our path of what Jesus has in store for us..

Very hard day...

Well I shouldn't say it was a bad "day"....Matt got to ride with me! He surprised me right before I was leaving.  I was SO excited!!! Then we stopped and got gas on the way there, Matt found a penny heads up!! He felt like it was a good sign.  We drove to Cincy, the took some blood, and we left.  We stopped to eat on the way home.  Matt and I were having a great time together.  We talked about "baby stuff" on the way home... Now looking back I wonder why I let myself get excited... They called and left us a message at 3:46 with our "bad news".  I just can't understand why? What have we done to deserve this? And why are there so many people who have them but don't even want them? Maybe it's not our "time" but I don't want to be 40 and having kids.. I want to enjoy my children.  I pray that God will open our hearts and minds to what's next for us... I pray it comes soon.. Really not sure how much more of this I can take... I feel like I leave a piece of myself with every negative test... And there isn't much left.

Today is the day!!

I am sitting here enjoying my cup of coffee & Good Morning America.... trying to keep my mind off of TODAY!!!!  I will find out if I'm a mom or not... I had a dream last night that my Doc told me I was prego with BOTH embroyos!!! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find out any of that yet but IT IS a positive thought!!!! Two hours is a long time to drive in the rain by myself.. lucky for me I'll be talking to my Jesus the whole way!!!! I know it is in his hands!! Praying....

It's a waiting game...

Still waiting... feels like forever but I know it will be worth it!!  I did do something bad today... I took a pregnancy test.. and it was negative.  Words can't really describe how much my heart is aching.  I know that a negative test doesn't mean I am not pregnant but it just worries me.  It is difficult for me to think about but I have to start to process the fact that I may never get to experience the wonderful joy of carrying a baby.
I DO believe in GOD and believe that he will give me the desires of my heart... There is nothing I have ever wanted more than this.. Please GOD let this be it!!

Could be pregnant?!

I went in Saturday March 26th for my egg retival, we left Louisville at 5:00 am!! ahh!! Matt took me up there, thank goodness because I slept the whole way home!  They said that I was "an over-achiever" because I had 15 eggs!!! I was pretty excited!! They called me Sunday morning to tell me that 12 of the eggs had been fertilized!!! VERY happy!! I could even hear the excitement in the nurses voice!  My mom took me Tuesday to do the embroyo transfer.  This was VERY cool!! We got to see the embroyos on the ultrasound in my belly.. it was amazing & emotional! <3 I laid on the table for 15 minutes and then got to go home.  Supposed to take it easy for a few days.. very hard for me but I will do anything to be a mommy!!
It's a funny feeling to think as I sit here watching Saved By The Bell... I could be pregnant!!
Hoping for the best!

Shots...

Whew! So happy that last night was my last shot (hopefully)!  I started my "fertility shots" on Wednesday March 16th 2011 one shot each night.   Then Tuesday & Wednesday I gave myself 3 shots a night.  Thursday ONE shot!! yay!! No "fertility" things to do tonight :) But hang out with my momma and dear friend Katrina at Women of Joy in Louisville!! Matt and I will leave around 5:00 am tommorrow morning for our egg retivial... then... wait... probably go back on Tuesday morning to get our little embroyos back in :) Then we will wait for the longest 2 weeks of our lives to find out if we are prego or not!!! Oh dear Lord keep me busy during this time!  So many emotions are taking over! Excited :-) Nervous :-/ I know God's Will will be done!! I just want more than anything in this world to carry our baby inside me!! So many exciting things!!

Date night...

 Before Jason Aldean, Eric Church & Jane Dear Girls!!!!!

I'm FINALLY back!!

SO much has happened since I last blogged.... We went to a different doctor in Cincinnatti.  We absolutly LOVE it there! They are amazing!! We went for our education day yesterday.  WOW!!!! There is SO much to do and remember!  It makes me nervous... I am waiting to "start" then I will make an appt. with them and they will tell me when to start my meds.  Then I will start giving myself shots, at one point I will be getting 3 a day!!!  The pain means nothing IF in the end I get a sweet baby to bring home... or two... or three!! :)

On another happy note... SPRING has arrived at Bleemel Farms! We have had 21 baby lambs in about a weeks worth of time and are anxiously awaiting our baby calves!!!